Blank Spaces

As of late I find that I have been loosing my train of thoughts unusually easily. Like, I would have this excellent thought on life and while my blood runs with excitement to share this, my brain two steps behind in process, and then there would be a sudden swift of change from excitement to fear of emotions, and my brain, or my comprehension, halts at wander and confusion. So which do we react to, it asks? Fear? Or to find back my grip and go back into gear? That will take a few extra seconds though, it apologetically tells me.

Fear. I have been fearful lately. Driven by fear. Motivated by fear. Lost in fear. Hopeless TO fear. Why am I so scared? I have never been this driven in my life, back to back I have had little to no rest for the past months. What's next, where to, and then what? These were the go-to I had written as a guide. And then two days of idleness and I rewind or regress, reason unbeknownst to me. And then I question myself, have I been keeping myself busy because I am afraid of NOT being busy? Am I afraid of time, too much of it and result in not being fruition? I workout, I push and punish myself hard. Yes I love how rewarding it feels but at the end of the day, I look in the mirror and find it hard in me to love what I see.

I don't know who I am. I am capable of multiple things but never really excellent in one thing. I can't tell if I truly believe that talent is innate and that working hard at it is futile or that I'm just afraid of hardship or being compared to. I have no idea who I am and why am I sent to this earth.

Maybe writing these things down would help me read my broken, premature thoughts. Unedited and fear-interrupted.

I believe I have made one of the biggest regrets in my life. And I don't ever use such words, regrets. But right now, I have come to see myself for who I truly capable of being, which is plain down right ugly. I do everything I have despised, I went against my own words and convictions. What have i become?

Am I just going back into doing what i do best? Which is to hate myself?

No I am not going to hate myself. Because I am ugly. And I am going to accept that. And I am not going to let you continue loving something ugly. Because you deserve nothing but the best. Because you are so beautiful.

How do i let go of something that once felt so right? You understood the way I interpreted the beauty i see through my eyes. You inspired my want to diversity. You listened and felt the same things that goes through my ears and what touched my heart, touched yours. Your rhythm, pace, movement, beat.. it was made for me. How do i forget how you heard the music before me and know just where to go, how do i forget how perfectly in tune our souls feel good towards?

How do i forget things like that? I don't. I don't forget. And so I would rather not make new ones that I would not be able to forget. In so many ways, you are irreplaceable.

I just need time to understand this love I have for you. Because I do have love. But there are so many types of love in this world. All i know is... you fitted one part of me perfectly. So incredibly perfectly.

Please forgive me.

I stumbled upon

"Why is the feeling of being in a new and strange place so exhilarating? The feeling of being a complete stranger, a blank book, starting from scratch. We are excited to leave the flaws undiscovered again so that we may not be judged, and we are excited to make new impressions - " 

Boom boom boom

The domestic goddess inside of me must have blossomed over the past week or so, as I have been cooking more than usual. Well I did make the beef stew, or attempt-ly "Beef Bourguignon". And then I made Hot & Sour Peking soup, and today I made Meatloaf! As I have been pretty free, I will search on recipes randomly decided by my stomach.
I had a productive day today, practicing my womanhood in the kitchen and also working on this big ass DIY canvas frame, I finally got it done! This is a 5 ft by 2 request, and this giant will be quite exciting.

Also, I learn today that you CAN use too much of garlic & onion. The fragrance and taste of my meatloaf was overwhelmed by the amount of onions I used. This is also because they were mixed raw and not sauteed. However, dad thought it was delicious. I'm starting to think that maybe.. he's just so happy that his daughter is cooking. Hmm. My beef stew turned out okay, I thought the red wine I used had a bitter aftertaste, but again, my dad thought it was delicious. He is getting suspicious. I enjoyed my Hot & Sour soup very much, even more so the next day when I added rice wine. For the meatloaf, I've never eaten one before so I havent got an idea on how it's supposed to taste. But my dad thought it was delicious! I'm going to need a new critic.
What I put in my meatloaf: grounded beef, sauteed beef bacon, zucchinis, mushrooms, potatoes, onions & garlic, fresh parsley, wholemeal bread, eggs, skimmed milk, Worcestershire sauce, and salt & pepper.  

I'd love to share the recipes, but I'd also like to hear from you and keep you reading (if there is anyone of you out there). So, just ask me! I'll tell you what not to do ;)

What continent should I cook next?

Chicken Afritada

Yesterday I woke up thinking of this one dish I ate a couple of years ago. Remembering that my dad was buying fresh kampung chicken from the market that morning, I decided to put that memory and crave into action.

This is a Filipino delicacy, often anticipated during potlucks, all thanks to my Filipino friends from church. There are numerous recipes to this simple dish, but here are the main ingredients.

Chicken Afritada mainly consists of:
Chicken or Pork
Garlic & Onions
Carrots
Potatoes
Bell Peppers
Tomato Paste /  Sauce

Most recipes use fish sauce, but I left that one out. And some use pickles for the sour tinge.

As I was preparing my chicken whilst having the recipe on my computer screen, my very curious nephew unplugged my cable. So with that I prepared it my way.

1. For most of my cookings, I use as much onions and garlic as I like. I added some chopped fresh tomatoes and thinly sliced celery, and stir fry along with the onion and garlic. Ps/ olive oil does not deter the tastiness of your food!
2. My chicken was sauteed beforehand with some salt. Put the chicken in and stir fry till half cooked.
3. I then added some tomato sauce, I dont have the tbs amount but see that this is for a thick paste. Then pour in some water. The meat will be left to cook for sometime so the water will be absorbed, don't worry if it looks disgusting at this moment. I know I was.
4. Put in the cubed potatoes, carrots and bell peppers. Now for my tinge of sourness, I added some mustard instead! I used my instincts and trust me! The water level shouldn't be any higher than the rest, so you need stirring.
5. Now this dish is meant to be pepperish, so add as much black pepper as you like! Since I have a nephew food critic, I had to cut down on that. And of course, don't forget the salt.
6. Close it and let it boil for bout 15 minutes, for the potato to cook, stirring it every once in a while. And that's it.

By the time it is done, you won't be able to see the tomatoes as it is melted into the aromatic puree.

As I was cooking and tasting it while it was boiling, it tasted like crap! But do not be discouraged, and again I know I was, because the flavors are yet to seep in. I afterwards left the dish alone with slight anxiety, till it was dinner time.

And voila! It was excellente! I am not boasting or anything, okay I am boasting, I was very impressed! And before I told my dad what dish was it, he said it looked & smelled like the Fillipino dish I meant it to be. He tried it and said it was delicious! Now when daddy likes my food, none of ya'lls opinion matter.

So there you go, Chicken Afri-Tada!

I shall be trying Beef Bourguignon this evening, wish me luck!

"Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" - Ephesians 4:26


"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent" - Psalms 4:4


Do not let your most vulnerable moment define you.

Sometimes brighton beach

On this lovely Monday, the sky is pouring and the cold sweetness makes everything else not worth doing. And somehow I believe in my soul that I am able to play the ukulele if I had one. I would sing, sing, sing all day. I.. miss the sea dearly. I love how everything feels instantly on my skin when I have little fabric on. The smell of salt, the heat on my skin, I’d tan all day. When only the basic and most important things in life.. matters. I am not being nostalgic, I am being ambitious. 

You promise to stay

After a while, what matters most is not first impressions, exhilaration, intoxication, awe, but just.. consistency. 

No one gets in the way of me and

breakfast

I must be one within

When I love, I experience insecurities, jealousy, competition, loneliness, fear, you name it. When I love with the love God gives me, I know for a fact that it is full, assured, overflowing, selfless, and courageous. Even if things don’t work out, I know for a fact that none of His love I have given goes to waste. Yes it will still hurt very much, but then His love given to me is again multiplied.

Lord, teach me to love. 

He should be smiling in the sun

I was in Penang the week before the last, and then in KL the following week. Well, the reason my family drove to Penang was to attend a funeral service. Although I barely knew Uncle Ooi, he made an impact on me with his courage. Just a week before that, I met him in church and he was the bubbliest that I couldn't tell if this was the uncle whom was diagnosed with cancer; I have only met him once before that. I sat down beside him while he joked & then I noticed his frail body. Before you know it, the next week Uncle Ooi slept and never woke up.

I have this thing that I don't look into coffins. Maybe I'm afraid, I don't know, but I always tell myself that I want to remember you as the last time I saw you. And I remember your smile, your strong laugh, and your healthy dark hair. I think you are amazing, Uncle. 

I then later soaked in more of Jo's fabulousity and tried my best to not be in the way of their daily lives. Most afternoons I would be by the pool working on my tan, trying to play foreigner as much as I could. We ate very good food, hung out, studied, swam, ate very good food, went to Hard Rock, went to church, and ate very good food. 

You see my whole plan was to stay back in Penang, then travel to KL on Wed for Erykah Badu's. My plan was perfect, and exciting. But on Tuesday night, Jo told me of the news she read online about the fuss about Erykah's 'tattoo'. They could be cancelling the damn show. The moment she told me that, I knew the show wasn't gonna go on. 

You see when a person is inferior, all they need is a chance to show you that they are not. I was very surprised to read the many death threats on Facebook. What the heck is happening? I am embarrassed, but I am very glad with the many, especially Muslims, who spoke their minds about this. At least we are gaining something out of it. And I am so relieved to know that Erykah plans to come back.

Anyway, I consoled myself by going for David Sanborn's concert last night. It was in the same Plenary Hall KLCC, where even the furthest seats were more than close & personal enough. I imagined having Erykah within that reach that I could taste her soul. 

Unedited

When you doubt my love, it's like you are saying that you have made a mistake in believing me. That you do not trust yourself, that you have not made the right choice in choosing to love me. That you doubt yourself. When you tell me how insecure you feel around me, it is like you are saying that you are insecure of yourself. That since you feel the tendency to be unfaithful, you think that I would have the same tendency. When I choose to love you, I believe in my choice to love you. That I have made the right decision. When I know for a fact that I have no interest in being unfaithful, I believe you would feel the same. But if you do, I do not blame you, but myself for loving you.

Do not doubt my love, for I very much look forward to greater things, with you.

Greening

I am not, ever a salad person. I mean, come on! Who the heck fills their tummy with leaves and teasing little vegetables? Plus they are too crunchy to be considered a meal, a snack maybe. When you order a salad, you are making a healthy choice, not a choice of suffering. But that's the mind-set of most people, which is why they make stupid salads. And they make you believe that you should be feeling good about yourself so you think it's okay to pay the price it is not worth. Think 3 cubes of cheese & pitiful shreds of chicken. But you see, this salad, this amazing salad from Chilli's, really really blew me away.

Every meal is meant to be : appetizing, a good combination, tasty & filling. A salad could be a starter, or a meal. But it is only okay if you give me both options. So this Quesidilla Explosion Salad is the perfect salad, as a meal. There is the crunchiness not to worry, sufficient & tasty chicken, non-overwhelming dressing on the side, and so many different textures & flavors to it that every bite is as good as new. I've had it twice and it is just as amazing.

It is a little pricey but I think it is worth the effort put in to make you enjoy your every bite, be full, and not feel guilty.
That is one happy girl right there.

I wished that I had the strength to stop the bad that I am doing, or the arrogance to not care at all.

"So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth."

My Valentino

One year ago, I was shipped to Penang for a mini vacation with a lady to meet her scarily-described daughter. I felt like I was going on a horrible blind date. Exactly today, Jolene and I have been friends for a year. On the 13th Feb last year, we surprised each other by me being a whole lot younger than her expected mom's 'friend' and her being a whole lot nicer than the monster I thought (you know I love you).

It being one of the most vulnerable days of the year for us women, we celebrated Valentines together, again! I must say that it is a blessing. This whole trip for me was unplanned, parents randomly wanted to visit family friends, so we took a midnight train to this city which I find myself liking a lot. Well actually, just a few days ago before this Jo called and was on the verge to run away, to me of course. And the next thing you know, I called her back and said hold on, I'm coming!

Now here is the fabulous Jo. She inspires me with her courage to love and to be loved back. Also what I love most about her is her willingness. To teach, to drive people around, to help people shift, to play her responsibilities, to lift your spirits up, to listen, to help people out with infections, to be a good lover and friend. I appreciate you. Cheers to our friendship.

You knew

What the devil promises to give you, is tied to him as he makes his way down the depth of hell. He really is not going to give you anything, he wants it all for himself. That’s the son of a bitch.

In the afternoons

"Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things". 


 - Philippians 4:8

Heaven only knows

 

You are God-sent. Thank you for being in my life. 

I am happiness

Happiness is truly just something you choose to be. That's all there is and that's how it is.