As of late I find that I have been loosing my train of thoughts unusually easily. Like, I would have this excellent thought on life and while my blood runs with excitement to share this, my brain two steps behind in process, and then there would be a sudden swift of change from excitement to fear of emotions, and my brain, or my comprehension, halts at wander and confusion. So which do we react to, it asks? Fear? Or to find back my grip and go back into gear? That will take a few extra seconds though, it apologetically tells me.
Fear. I have been fearful lately. Driven by fear. Motivated by fear. Lost in fear. Hopeless TO fear. Why am I so scared? I have never been this driven in my life, back to back I have had little to no rest for the past months. What's next, where to, and then what? These were the go-to I had written as a guide. And then two days of idleness and I rewind or regress, reason unbeknownst to me. And then I question myself, have I been keeping myself busy because I am afraid of NOT being busy? Am I afraid of time, too much of it and result in not being fruition? I workout, I push and punish myself hard. Yes I love how rewarding it feels but at the end of the day, I look in the mirror and find it hard in me to love what I see.
I don't know who I am. I am capable of multiple things but never really excellent in one thing. I can't tell if I truly believe that talent is innate and that working hard at it is futile or that I'm just afraid of hardship or being compared to. I have no idea who I am and why am I sent to this earth.
Maybe writing these things down would help me read my broken, premature thoughts. Unedited and fear-interrupted.